I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize