it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
