So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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