you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
