youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she looked like the before picture.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
