I just pynch a tree in the face
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
