Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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