did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize