I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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