Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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