sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
