You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
