omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
