well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
