there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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