when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
