it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
