I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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