im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
