The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize