I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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