Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
