my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
