I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
