I think scott just propositioned me for sex
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
