apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
