My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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