If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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