your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
