I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
