Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
