Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
