i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
