I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
