go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
