I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
