Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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