I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
