No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
