Where are you?
In a non slutty way
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
