My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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