Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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