I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
