Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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