Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
