How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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