Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
