Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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