I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
