So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
