I smell stomach acid.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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