Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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