Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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