exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
