well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
